My Coming Of Age Jerry Kellen McCracken I suppose most female to male transsexuals, {FTMs}, can tell you they knew at an early age something wasn't quite right. Not to say we could verbalize it in a way most people could understand. I would imagine the same is true for most male to female, {MTFs}, transsexuals also. I remember a funny story my Mother tells of an Easter dress at 2 years old that gave her a clue something wasn't quite the same with this child as with her others. My Mother went through all the trouble of finding 2 identical dresses, one for me and one for my sister. My sister loved hers. I didn't. Mother put the dress on me, I took it off. My Mother put it on me again and again I took it off. She tried again and again I took it off, only this time I cut it up with scissors. I remember waking up at the age of 8 and panicking because my penis was gone ! Not that I had had one the night before when I went to sleep but I was totally convinced that something had happened during the night to remove it and I was scared to death of saying anything to either of my parents. At 10 I had my first menses and thought I was bleeding to death. At 12 my mother tried training bras. That lasted about 6 weeks and that was the end of that. My Mother was very kind in a way and never pushed the issue. My sister wasn't so kind. At 14 my Uncle told me my Mother and Father called him to say they, "Had one." He was gay and they thought I was also. He tried to no avail to get them to send me to live with him for a while so he could expose me to the Gay world and "teach me the ropes" so I wouldn't get hurt. My parents couldn't do it so I was left to learn on my own. I knew I preferred the company of boys when I played but when I became older it was clear to me I wanted a wife. I said nothing to my family. When I found an issue of "Play Boy" sitting out on the dinning room table I asked if I could read it. My Mother agreed it was OK. This was very unusual. We are talking about a military officers family. You didn't come to the breakfast table without your bed being made and fully dressed. I did luck out in that my Father took me under his wing and thaught me the standard "Father/Son" stuff. By doing so he has enabled to do repair work on my home without having to call a contractor at the drop of hat. Thanks, Dad ! I read with great joy that my 'problem' could be solved ! There was an article on a male to female transexual. If they could 'fix' it one way, why not the other ! I told my Mother I was a guy in a girls body. At 17 I felt like my Mother was in shock and just said, "OK" with the effect of "that's nice dear." I don't think she understood. I went to the local Gay center and lucked out. I found a MTF who was also an insurance agent. She set me up with an insurance plan that in 2 years would be able to pay for all of my surgeries. They were one of the last ones to remove TG surgery from their policies. Being young, I didn't understand the implications and let the policy lapse. I tried my damnest to live as a butch dyke. I was forever and a day being told by other dykes I was "too masculine". I didn't understand - I was just being me. I ended up dating "straight" women and "bring them out" to the lesbian community. My last long term relationship before I started hormones was 12 years. I told her when we got together I was a guy trapped in a girls body. She seemed to understand. 11 years later I had a bad fall from a utility pole. I ended up with depression and panic attacks. I also ended up in a psychiatric ward for 40 days. At that time it became very clear to me if I didn't do something about my 'birth defect' I would suicide. I had my psychiatrist run blood work to check my hormone levels. As I had suspected for many years I had no estrogen cycle but did have a normal male testosterone level for young boys. That was the "frosting" so to speak. I told my "wife" of 12 years I could no longer be a girl, I must transition to a man. She could not handle the implications and demanded I leave. I left and lived with another dyke for 2 months. My friend set me up on a blind date. The woman didn't know either. My friend knew we would hit it off - she was right. Within 2 months I was living with this woman. She is the woman of every man's dreams. Honest, loving, no B.S., knows where she's going type of woman. I was honest and straight forward with her from the start. I told her of my birth defect - she didn't bat an eye. She even went out and found other men like me. I started my journey towards manhood. 3 years later, we are still together. She has agreed to marry me. I have had a full hysterectomy and am saving money for the chest reconstruction. Insurance won't pay for any surgeries because they have all managed to exclude us on the basis of it being "cosmetic" or "experimental". We still fight on for the right to be recognized as full human beings.
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